Beto Significantly Sweatier, More Generic

Presidential hopeful Robert Francis O’Rourke, colloquially known as ‘Beto’, unveiled a new campaign strategy that he hopes will achieve greater sweatiness and vagueness.

“I say ‘real Americans’ a lot,” said the drenched O’Rourke. “And anytime somebody brings up a political issue, I just mention my son, Ulysses. Isn’t he cute?”

O’Rourke’s campaign personnel cited an experience from a recent town hall as an example for the success of their new strategy. When concerned local citizen Denise Johnson asked a question about taxes, O’Rourke wiped his forehead and started playing the electric guitar. “It’s about time we had an honest presidential candidate,” Johnson said appreciatively.

According to analyst Nathaniel Bronze, O’Rourke’s presidential bid is at least 67% sweatier and 71% more generic than his failed senate run. “We’re seeing the greatest sheer volume of sweat in a presidential candidate since we started taking record in the 1860s,” Bronze said. “It’s astonishing. They’re calling him ‘Sweaty Betty.’ And his genericness is really off the charts.”

The plan is not without its setbacks. According to campaign volunteer Seamus Cavanaugh,, O’Rourke’s sweat has led to certain technological problems. “He kept shorting out the microphones with his moisture, so we had to start waterproofing them,” Cavanaugh said. “At first we tried taping napkins around the handle, but he just soaked right through them. He’s remarkably sweaty–makes me remember why I got into politics.”

Kelly McAwley has a full-time internship placing ‘Wet Floor’ signs for O’Rourke’s campaign. “It was his idea to get the signs that say ‘Piso Mojado.’ He’s so inclusive,” McAwley beamed. “He really hooked me with his plan to make a better America for all Americans, in America. For Americans. I just hadn’t heard that before from another presidential candidate.”

Cruz and O’Rourke Debate in San Antonio

Midterm elections are just around the corner, and candidates rush to earn support from voters. That means candidates begin raising money, meeting potential voters, hosting political rallies, and other events to prepare for election day. On Tuesday evening, the second debate between Ted Cruz and Beto O’Rourke was televised.

In this debate, Ted Cruz was the clear winner. While debating, Cruz provided more facts and evidence to prove his point. For instance, during the round about American deficit spending, Cruz mentioned that “in the 1960s John F. Kennedy, a Democrat, campaigned on tax cuts.” He continues to give more examples on how the economy grew through the use of tax cuts. He claimed that it is “immoral, the deficit and debt we have racked up.” Appealing to historical events, Cruz more effectively proves his point that the high taxes and extensive debt deficit is bad for the economy.

Although both candidates spent the majority of their time attacking the other, Cruz possessed more refined skills of a good debater. While neither candidate went into particularly specific detail about how they would improve the economy, healthcare, or implement policy, Cruz managed to do this more than O’Rourke. Cruz also mentioned some of his accomplishments, enhancing his credibility and ability to implement policy, while O’Rourke did not mention many of his accomplishments. On the contrary, both candidates did indeed give examples of how they can cooperate with their Party counterparts. They each mentioned times when they had to work with an opposing Party member on a certain issue.

Even though Cruz managed to debate more effectively than O’Rourke, both candidates aimed to appeal to their Texan audience. For example, O’Rourke discussed his confidence in the Texan oil industry, stating that “we can support Texas while being a proud leader in oil, but also in renewable energy.”

At the end of the debate, each candidate gave their final words. O’Rourke and Cruz seemed to be optimistic about the future. Both candidates were confident in the power of America because it is “a nation that not only Americans look up to, but the world looks up to.”

On the evening of this debate, I watched this debate not on a screen, but I had the wonderful opportunity to attend the official Ted Cruz Campaign watch party event to watch the debate with his campaign and many Cruz supporters. The event was a life-changing experience because I got to meet some great politicians, including Sen. Cruz himself! As a young university student, attending this watch party made me feel more knowledgeable of politics than the average young person in America. When Ted Cruz arrived at the event after the debate, he seemed happy to see the large amount of young people who supported him. In retrospect, I have never felt more excitement to get an individual photo with Ted Cruz and meet many other notable politicians.