Trinity University Sociology Department Refused to Remove Statue of Jefferson Davis

By Jonah Wendt

In a shocking move, the Trinity University Sociology Department has refused to remove their prized 666-foot-tall statue of Jefferson Davis from the Sociology lounge. Despite the current social and political climate calling for the removal of Confederate statues in public spaces, the Sociology Department is clinging tightly and controversially to its 666-foot-tall statue of Confederate president and known racist, Jefferson Davis.

When reached for comment, Department Chair Dr. David Spener cited protection from the Wendt Twins and other members of the conservative group “Tigers For Liberty” as the primary reason for keeping the statue in the sociology lounge. “When the Wendt twins and other members of that freedom-loving organization see the statue of a man who advocated against the application of almost all basic human rights to non-whites, committed crimes against humanity, and fought true liberty every day of his life, they’ll go running in the opposite direction. It’s not so much that we stand with Jefferson Davis and his beliefs, but that we need his protection against the mongol hoards of TFL and those damn Wendt Twins.” When reached for comment, Manfred Wendt stated that while he is quite concerned about the message being sent by the Sociology Department, his attention is divided among the department’s other statues, including their 900-foot-tall statue of Adolf Hitler, 250-foot-tall statue of Benedict Arnold, life size statue of Mao Zedong and an oddly small, just 6-inch tall statue of Jim Crow. Manfred also noted with alarm that these statues were purchased and put in place soon after he and his twin brother came out as conservative.

As the story continues to develop, the next stage in the controversy may be the department’s recent application for SGA funding of another statue: a 350-foot-tall depiction of George Soros, to which Alexander Perkoswki reportedly replied, “We don’t fund food.”