Trinity Conservatives Demand Campus Safe Space

Imagine walking around campus feeling oppressed at every turn for your political beliefs. At a school like Trinity University where almost no one will come up to you and talk to you about your political beliefs, the Conservative Texans that are Young (CTY) have had enough of feeling constantly looked down on for their conservative beliefs. Following in the footsteps of other major universities across the country, CTY is demanding a safe space for conservatives on campus.

Former CTY President Chad Miller was spotted entering the Diversity and Inclusion Office (DIO) yesterday afternoon. What reason could CTY possibly have to go to DIO unless to ask the university for a safe space? 

Conservatives have long felt oppressed by their fellow Trinity students. From CTY’s memorable tabling events such as handing out fortune cookies on the anniversary of the founding of the People’s Republic of China to building a miniature Berlin Wall and encouraging peers to smash it down, CTY has truly been unable to freely express their political beliefs on campus. 

They are in such need of a safe space on campus that the club even holds weekly meetings in which students can discuss current events and policy issues with their fellow conservatives (or non-conservatives who choose to attend meetings and cause chaos during discussions). 

Former  CTY Treasurer Kyle Smith reached out with a few comments when The Tower asked about his position on the conservative safe space the current CTY leaders are asking for. “We just…like feel like we have no place on campus where we can be ourselves, you know? It’s so hard on us to always feel like people don’t like us. That’s why we want the university to provide us with a safe space.”

Safe spaces are usually created for students who are part of marginalized communities to come together and discuss their unique experiences without outside judgment. CTY claims that because of their unique experiences as conservative college students, they qualify for a safe space. In an unanticipated move, they are demanding interference from Trinity administration to alleviate their problems.

When asked how the club can reconcile its anti-government tendencies with its desire to take advantage of university authority, current CTY Campus Events Chair Dave Baker had this to say: “it’s okay when it gets us something that we want. I mean, uh, it’s okay because Trinity is a private school. Officially, we as a club support private institutions over government ones, so we think Trinity is a pretty cool place.”

But, according to CTY and other conservatives on campus the club claims support its efforts, Trinity University would be an even cooler place if they created a safe space for its marginalized conservatives.

Trinicat Conspiracy: Revealed

Every year at Trinity University, as the school year draws to a close, a problem arises; what to do with the Trinicats. These staples of campus, beloved by all, are cared for by the students of the Cat Alliance during the school year. However, during the summer these students go home. What happens to the Trinicats then? One would suppose the university would start to take over care for the cats, or that students of the Cat Alliance would come by to deliver the cats’ meals. A recent source has revealed to The Tower a much darker, more sinister, secret.

As students pack up the contents of their dorms, lugging books, chairs, and clothes back to their cars, it is a common sight to see the Trinicats out in full force, rubbing up against students, seemingly asking for pets. Their quest for students’ attention is not a plea simply for a few measly scratches; the cats, being as wise as they are, know what is coming. Some cats are lucky, as they get adopted by the loving members of the campus community. The unlucky ones who get left behind face a far more gruesome fate.

Enter St. Anthony Catholic High School. Every year, the anatomy class dissects an animal that many high school students dread: a cat. Now, where do these cats come from? They are remarkably opaque about their sourcing of these poor animals, with no material on their website indicating anything about the lives these cats had before they reached the school. That is for one simple reason; the school itself does not know where these cats come from. The teachers there simply buy from the cheapest local source available. Little do they know just how close these cats used to live.

The first night after finals, when all students have left to go back home to enjoy their summers, members of Trinity’s staff commit a deed that, while heinous, helps to keep the University afloat. Grabbing nets, tranquilizers, or anything else they can get their hands on, they leave the comfort of their air-conditioned offices for the heat of a San Antonio summer night. The hunt has begun. The remaining Trinicats cower in fear, hiding under cars, in crevices in buildings, high up in trees, but to no avail. The pure number of faculty members overwhelms even the cleverest of cats. One by one, they are caught, rounded up, and sent to the labs of CSI, where they are placed into vats of formaldehyde, to be sold to local high schools later.

In a few month’s time, this cat will be dead.

Now, the clever reader you are might ask, “what is your proof” or “that’s utterly ridiculous.” I know, I was once in your shoes too; hopelessly naive and ignorant. However, once you dig into the details, it starts to make much more sense. Have you ever stopped to consider why Trinity University, a school of under 2,800 students, has an endowment of over $1.7 billion, a total of over $600,000 per student? There can only be one explanation, that the University is making most of its money on the side. And what’s the most lucrative business that an academic institution can engage in? That’s right, the clandestine collection of cat cadavers. 

While the most intelligent amongst you have already been convinced by this impeccable logic, some of the slower among you might need a bit more proof. Enter the University itself. While writing this article, the president of the University failed to proactively send us a comment supporting the hypothesis of the status quo, or in fact, any statement at all. Now, was this because the University likely had no idea that we were writing the article? Doubtful. Was it because this story being broken to the student body population would devastated the reputation and future stability of the school? Most assuredly.

Think this is Sabrina? Think again.

Next fall, when moving back into your dorm, take a closer look at the Trinicats. The new, hapless strays and rescues may seem familiar; they might even come when you call their name. This is due to the hard work of the University. They scour the shelters and streets of San Antonio, looking for cats that look as similar as possible to the Trinicats of the prior year, so that no student notices. If you look closely enough, however, the difference is clear. A few stray hairs on one cat, a scratch on the ear of another; the new cats are never identical. Only then, my dear reader, will you become truly convinced of the depth of the Trinicat Conspiracy

New Pro-Abortion Club Holds Ritual Sacrifice at Trinity University

Trinity University is home to a new pro-choice club on campus, and they are not afraid to call themselves radical pro-abortionists. Tigers for Abortion (TFA) is kicking off their stint on campus with a rally (socially distanced for COVID-19, of course) to celebrate their cause of freeing pregnant women from their parasitic offspring. 

“We really took our inspiration from the bra-burners,” said the club’s president Maggie Sanger, Class of 2022. “But since we’ve already burned our bras, we’re partnering with our local Planned Parenthood to get the job done.” Ironically, ‘Partnering with Planned Parenthood to get the job done’ is also the club’s unofficial slogan.

The main event of the rally is a ritualistic burning ceremony to appease the pagan pantheon. While the club has no more bras to burn, they have brokered a deal with the nearby Planned Parenthood facility for a proper sacrifice–remains of fetuses aborted at the facility.

“It’s the perfect sacrifice to answer our prayers,” said TFA’s secretary, Lucifer Diocletian, Class of 2024. Diocletian is also a member of a local pagan cult, and he says the sacrifice is the perfect way to pray for an end to COVID-19 and the tyranny of the pro-life club on campus, Tigers for Life (TFL). “TFL has ruled the majority of campus opinions for too long. They’ve been ridiculed on Twitter and mocked behind their backs ever since their founding in 2018–it’s time for others to have a turn in the spotlight of campus discourse.”

Trinity University’s administration was not available for comment, but their commitment to encouraging diverse thoughts and opinions on campus is well-known by students. The officer board of TFA does not think they will run into any trouble with the administration or campus police during their event. 

“We don’t expect much backlash from the event,” said TFA’s vice president Stela Brown, Class of 2023. “Most of the time, TFL only gets backlash on Twitter. No one ever actually talks to them about the reasons they disagree with them, so we expect that people will just make fun of us on Twitter for a few days before moving on to the next campaign. We might even get some hate on TUsnaps.” 

While the officer board of TFA does not seem concerned about the event’s publicity, a few Trinity students not affiliated with the club expressed their concerns. “Lighting a big fire on campus doesn’t seem like a great idea,” said Tara Pyrophilia, Class of 2023. “Don’t get me wrong! I’m all behind the message of the event. But I’m not sure if this is the best way for TFA to make their statement.”

Other than Pyrophilia, no other Trinity students wanted to be named in this article as dissenters from TFA’s ideas or plan. “It’s better not to engage in political discourse on campus because you can’t trust peoples’ opinions these days,” one student said. “I’m just going to ignore it when I walk by, but if the display really is annoying, I might text my friends about it on my way to get some Chick-fil-A.” Students will, an anonymous source assured me, just keep their heads down and ignore political discourse on campus as always. 

Young Conservatives of Texas Secede from Trinity University

Early in the morning on Thurs. April 1, the Young Conservatives of Texas (YCT) chapter at Trinity University declared their intention to secede from the university. 

In a statement sent to the administration, President Nathan Darsch declared that “with the retiring of Dean David Tuttle, my members and I can no longer be sure that we will be treated fairly by the administration… Today I am announcing the creation of the Republic of the Trinity.”

The Republic would consist of approximately 20 “virtuous citizens” and claim control over various dorms on Trinity University’s campus and a single nearby apartment. According to the statement, citizenship would also extend to “any and all at Trinity who could display a want to live a virtuous and moral life as taught in the Nicomachean Ethics and by Augustine of Hippo and Thomas Aquinas.”

Nathan Darsch would head this “republic” as its new President-of-Virtue with various other positions such as the Virtuous Events Chair, Promotor of the Trinity, and Virtuous Financier positions which would be filled with current upper-classmen at Trinity University. In addition, the new “President-of-Virtue” called upon Dr. David Crockett, head of the Political Science Department, to “join the new Republic as our Philosopher-King.”

“Dr. Crockett knows more about classical and modern philosophy than anyone and as such would be able to ensure our Republic remains virtuous even after all of the current students at Trinity have graduated,” Nathan Darsch said in an email interview.

At the time of publication, Crockett was unavailable for an email interview. As of now, his reaction on his sudden coronation is unknown.

When asked what he means by seceding from Trinity University, President Darsch had to say this: “We aren’t declaring a micronation and becoming ungovernable in the state of Texas. We are saying that we will no longer be held accountable to the tyrannical rules that Trinity imposes on its student and organizations… We will have in-person events, not be forced to wear masks, and promote virtue on campus, and there is nothing the university can do to stop us.”

Only time will tell how the Trinity University administration will respond to this uprising, but one thing is for certain: conservatives at Trinity have reached their breaking point.

Trinity University Proposes New Policies to Help Students be Less White

Last week, the Trinity University Diversity and Inclusion Task Force released a set of proposals for the future of the university. The intent behind the task force’s recommendations is two-factored: to help the faculty of the student body of the university become simultaneously more racially diverse and more ideologically uniform. These recommendations include introducing new material for study, encouraging certain behaviors from students, and criteria for hiring faculty and enrolling students disproportionately based on characteristics such as race, gender, height, vision quality, and ability to roll one’s tongue.

By only accepting students of a specific political or ideological worldview, while indoctrinating students who disagree into the school’s required belief system, the student body would no longer have the need for frivolous and impractical discussions and debates about diverging philosophies, perspectives, and opinions, as all students would have the same opinions about all things. That time and energy can instead be redirected into important conversations wherein the students get the opportunity to compare and contrast their appearances and various identities. Of course, external appearances are everything for a university as prestigious as Trinity. Such universities exist so that outsiders can see how diverse they look, and intellectual diversity and the exchange of different ideas would get in the way of that important goal.

The task force made several suggestions in pursuit of these goals. According to another document of the suggestions, Trinity ought to add a handful of new non-academic majors and minors. Students will be offered the Racial Relations major, where they will be taught to identify harmful white behaviors, such as people existing and being white, and handle these situations. A number of new concentrations under the Political Science department will be added, including Marxist Studies, Intersectional Feminist Protesting and Yelling, and Performance Activism. Finally, the Circus major will teach incoming students to harness and apply their natural clowning skills and silly behavior.

All incoming students taking their First Year Experience (FYE) course will be required to undergo political and philosophical reeducation to secure the ideological uniformity that the task force aims for. Students will be encouraged to be less “white,” as the color of these student’s skin is their ultimate sin, no matter what they do about it. These same students will simultaneously be punished for engaging in non-white cultural practices, as this is considered cultural appropriation. Due to the obvious conflict between these two ideals, the Taskforce believes it is best to keep straight white students in a suspended reality for all four years of their education at Trinity. They cannot be permitted to say or do anything because the way they exist with their natural-born characteristics causes extreme harm to other students. 

The primary mission of Trinity University is to raise the next generation of young adults to appear on its brochures and newsletters, to attract more students to the school who will then go on to be on the brochures themselves. The Diversity and Inclusion Task Force believes that their proposals will be the catalyst that initiates and maintains this idealistic cycle. The hope is that these new policies will be implemented as soon as possible, as the brochures for the next school year need to be printed soon.

New Worship Group Joins Campus

Author: H. Lon Rubbard

If you’re looking to increase your faith through community, I would recommend looking into a variety of spiritual organizations offered at Trinity such as the Catholic Student Group, RUF, and the Secular Student Alliance. I would like to say, as a Scientologist, I am very impressed with the infrastructure of the Secular Student Alliance which holds high their creed to “build welcoming communities to promote secular values, and set a course of lifelong activism”. But one who is more evangelical in nature and wishes to spread their dogma might ask, 

“Is atheist activism really for me?”

 “Oh absolutely,” I respond, and, if you don’t believe me, attend one of their conversion sessions and receive their holy condom communion.  

Now I should say, I’m not particularly religious, I do not have any personal issues with the atheist ideology, my issue runs strictly with the ideas of anti-Christianity and communities built around these concepts. Nonetheless, I digress. 

I have overheard from P.L. Hovecraft and Fody Joster that they wish to draft a book to promote these secular values, outlined in separate books as a part of the whole. 

“Fascinating,” I remark, sipping my scotch and soda in Hovecraft’s study. “Well,” he said, very much enthused, “We shall call it the ‘Abible’, we will make copies and hand them out whenever we get the chance. Much of our atheist army will go door to door spreading the Good Word”. 

In continuation of our conversation, I discovered that in order to foster their community, they will be holding an Atheist Secular Service (ASS) every Wednesday at 7, but seating is limited so feel free to kneel. I have reason to believe that in lieu of COVID-19, their ASS will also be available for viewing over Zoom. Promotion of their ASS will be announced in the Leeroy emails. I do not doubt that the Secular Student Alliance will be tabling nightly for the ASS and helping it grow at Trinity University. Important holidays such as Zombie Jesus Day will be celebrated with a service as they attempt to relieve themselves of the impairment of being part of a religiously affiliated institution. Their ASS is open to all who wish to partake and never runs out of necessary contraceptives to ensure safe habits of the flock. I understand now, more than before, how important their services really are in promoting their values and lifelong activism.

 Now, if you’re not really an ASS man, you do have the opportunity to tithe for the Secular Student Alliance via their website donation page. In addition to providing an easy to access religious group on campus, it also provides financial assistance by way of scholarships for “like-minded” students who share in the beliefs of their fellowship. Altogether, the Secular Student Alliance’s attempts to branch out and promote their values and holidays have been met exceedingly well. In yet another instance, the Secular Student Alliance’s mantra to “bring welcoming communities” into their ASS will be exemplified in the upcoming event Zombie Jesus Day, held on Easter Sunday. 

The Secular Student Alliance is currently looking for individuals to become ASS worshippers for the fall semester. If you have an interest in filling this large opening, please contact me personally by carrier pigeon. 

With Grace and Devotion, 

H. Lon Rubbard

Return of The Wendt

Author: Richard Newsy

Late last night (so late that it became this morning), the Editor-in-Chief of The Tower called an emergency meeting with the section editors of this fine publication. In a move backed by tradition, a truly conservative decision to keep the past alive, The Tower will no longer be known as The Tower. From this day forward, we shall be known once more as The Wendt.

The Wendt has an illustrious history at Trinity University as a publication entirely unknown by the student body and filled only with articles written while half-drunk at 2 in the morning by its hardworking student writers. The Tower—pardon, The Wendt—looks forward to returning to its humble beginnings to truly set itself apart in the world of student journalism. 

The Tower’s Editor-in-Chief has also resigned and named Rebekah Wendt, Class of 2023, as his successor. News Editor Leonard Lizardboy, Class of 2022, said this when asked about the sudden change: “We’re all very excited to have [Wendt] take charge. She’s the best photographer this publication has ever had, and everyone agrees she’s the best Wendt for the job. It’s natural, really, that she continues the dynasty her brothers created.” 

I have to agree with Lizardboy. Wendt (not to be confused with her brothers, Wendt and Wendt, both Class of 2018) seems to be not only the most qualified of the freshman writers for The Tower, but she’s also the most charismatic. “People really look up to her,” said Merlot Barnworker, Class of 2021. “Rebekah’s the future of The Tower, and we’re all thrilled that she’ll be leading us from now on.”

Lifestyle Editor Misogyny Carpenter, Class of 2022, had a different, more controversial take. “I wish [Wendt] the best, but I don’t know if she can succeed. There’s a lot of men on the team, and most of them don’t like taking orders from women. But if she can get past their internalized misogyny, she may be able to make [The Wendt] great again.” Misogyny had some other things to say about women’s place in the workforce, but that’s a bit irrelevant to today’s article. 

Potato McGuinness, Class of 2021, though, sang nothing but Wendt’s praises. “[Wendt] lets us smoke cigars on the job, and she actually knows how to use a cellphone, which is a big improvement from the last guy. Plus she has an eye for design, so maybe our print edition will have a nice cover with her in charge.” McGuinness’ sentiments were shared by many other writers, many of whom declined being mentioned by name in this article. 

When asked about her vision for the future of The Wendt, Wendt was delighted to describe the changes she wants to make. “Only people with history degrees and a solid understanding of the factors leading up to WWII will be allowed to write articles, of course. And no more of this Catholic nonsense that some of the previous editors allowed. From now on, we are a Lutheran dictatorship—I mean, a Conservative publication for San Antonio.”

The Tower plans to officially change its name back to the Wendt no later than 10 pm on April 1, 2020. Stay tuned for more updates about the changes of leadership, but rest assured that the quality of our articles will never decrease and that we will continue to strive to be the right voice for the Alamo City.

Beto Significantly Sweatier, More Generic

Presidential hopeful Robert Francis O’Rourke, colloquially known as ‘Beto’, unveiled a new campaign strategy that he hopes will achieve greater sweatiness and vagueness.

“I say ‘real Americans’ a lot,” said the drenched O’Rourke. “And anytime somebody brings up a political issue, I just mention my son, Ulysses. Isn’t he cute?”

O’Rourke’s campaign personnel cited an experience from a recent town hall as an example for the success of their new strategy. When concerned local citizen Denise Johnson asked a question about taxes, O’Rourke wiped his forehead and started playing the electric guitar. “It’s about time we had an honest presidential candidate,” Johnson said appreciatively.

According to analyst Nathaniel Bronze, O’Rourke’s presidential bid is at least 67% sweatier and 71% more generic than his failed senate run. “We’re seeing the greatest sheer volume of sweat in a presidential candidate since we started taking record in the 1860s,” Bronze said. “It’s astonishing. They’re calling him ‘Sweaty Betty.’ And his genericness is really off the charts.”

The plan is not without its setbacks. According to campaign volunteer Seamus Cavanaugh,, O’Rourke’s sweat has led to certain technological problems. “He kept shorting out the microphones with his moisture, so we had to start waterproofing them,” Cavanaugh said. “At first we tried taping napkins around the handle, but he just soaked right through them. He’s remarkably sweaty–makes me remember why I got into politics.”

Kelly McAwley has a full-time internship placing ‘Wet Floor’ signs for O’Rourke’s campaign. “It was his idea to get the signs that say ‘Piso Mojado.’ He’s so inclusive,” McAwley beamed. “He really hooked me with his plan to make a better America for all Americans, in America. For Americans. I just hadn’t heard that before from another presidential candidate.”

Professors Hate Own Field of Study

For his literature course “ENGL-1234: The American Novel,” English professor Erik Woodcock intentionally excludes all American novels. “All that Hemingway and Faulkner and Oates–it just gets so boring,” Woodcock said. “Let’s just look at some Chinese calligraphy and spend a few weeks on V for Vendetta and call it a day.”

The United States deserves nothing but criticism, American history scholar Danielle Korks claims. “I loathe America,” said Korks, who began her professorial career in American history with her acclaimed book, America Sucks. “Students who plan on studying American history for any reason besides finding new things to scoff at are frankly wasting their time.”

For Korks, the truest form of patriotism is hating America and all that it stands for. “Some right-wing radicals have this idea that patriotism means blindly supporting the country, but I think most real Americans acknowledge that roundly criticizing everything about our nation is a necessary element of patriotism.”

Biblical studies professor Douglas Franklin echoed similar sentiments about his own field. “What, are you kidding me?” Franklin responded when asked if he believed in God. “This is the biggest crock of garbage I ever read,” he said of the Old Testament.

“Amen to that,” said classics professor Albert Rios, a friend of Franklin’s. “And don’t even get me started on the Iliad. It gets pretty dry after a few thousand years, but a handful of these danged kids still want to read it. Can’t we just study comic books, or something cool?”

Gender studies professor Alisha Sterickle had similar feelings on the topic of womanhood. “Gender itself is a myth, and anybody who doesn’t believe that hates women,” Sterickle said. “Show me somebody who believes that womanhood is real and inborn, and I’ll show you a misogynist.”

Indian Man Accused of White Supremacy

Local Trinity student and military history enthusiast Niraj Sengupta came under fire recently for alleged white supremacist sympathies.

Sengupta’s interest in World War II military history has led many liberals to believe that he secretly harbors a hatred of all nonwhite races. “He kept talking to me about something called the pickelhelm,” one student told the Tower. “I know he’s not white, but something’s fishy here.”

Other reports indicate that Sengupta frequently enjoys wartime novels such as All Quiet on the Western Front and Catch-22.

Sengupta, whose family hails from India, did not deny the accusations outright. “I’m brown,” Sengupta said. “That doesn’t even make sense.”

Alamo Heights race studies expert Clarice Woakes helped dispel some of the confusion. “Some people still stick to very outdated, restrictive definitions of racism. Today, we now understand that being a white supremacist has nothing to do with being white,” Woakes said. “Also, I think Indians are technically Caucasian. Or Aryan? Who knows? I bet there’s something there.”

Evidence for Sengupta’s alleged racism continues to unfold. “Stunningly, it turns out that Indians earn more than white people,” one researcher pointed out. “Sounds like privilege to me.”