Trinicat Conspiracy: Revealed

Every year at Trinity University, as the school year draws to a close, a problem arises; what to do with the Trinicats. These staples of campus, beloved by all, are cared for by the students of the Cat Alliance during the school year. However, during the summer these students go home. What happens to the Trinicats then? One would suppose the university would start to take over care for the cats, or that students of the Cat Alliance would come by to deliver the cats’ meals. A recent source has revealed to The Tower a much darker, more sinister, secret.

As students pack up the contents of their dorms, lugging books, chairs, and clothes back to their cars, it is a common sight to see the Trinicats out in full force, rubbing up against students, seemingly asking for pets. Their quest for students’ attention is not a plea simply for a few measly scratches; the cats, being as wise as they are, know what is coming. Some cats are lucky, as they get adopted by the loving members of the campus community. The unlucky ones who get left behind face a far more gruesome fate.

Enter St. Anthony Catholic High School. Every year, the anatomy class dissects an animal that many high school students dread: a cat. Now, where do these cats come from? They are remarkably opaque about their sourcing of these poor animals, with no material on their website indicating anything about the lives these cats had before they reached the school. That is for one simple reason; the school itself does not know where these cats come from. The teachers there simply buy from the cheapest local source available. Little do they know just how close these cats used to live.

The first night after finals, when all students have left to go back home to enjoy their summers, members of Trinity’s staff commit a deed that, while heinous, helps to keep the University afloat. Grabbing nets, tranquilizers, or anything else they can get their hands on, they leave the comfort of their air-conditioned offices for the heat of a San Antonio summer night. The hunt has begun. The remaining Trinicats cower in fear, hiding under cars, in crevices in buildings, high up in trees, but to no avail. The pure number of faculty members overwhelms even the cleverest of cats. One by one, they are caught, rounded up, and sent to the labs of CSI, where they are placed into vats of formaldehyde, to be sold to local high schools later.

In a few month’s time, this cat will be dead.

Now, the clever reader you are might ask, “what is your proof” or “that’s utterly ridiculous.” I know, I was once in your shoes too; hopelessly naive and ignorant. However, once you dig into the details, it starts to make much more sense. Have you ever stopped to consider why Trinity University, a school of under 2,800 students, has an endowment of over $1.7 billion, a total of over $600,000 per student? There can only be one explanation, that the University is making most of its money on the side. And what’s the most lucrative business that an academic institution can engage in? That’s right, the clandestine collection of cat cadavers. 

While the most intelligent amongst you have already been convinced by this impeccable logic, some of the slower among you might need a bit more proof. Enter the University itself. While writing this article, the president of the University failed to proactively send us a comment supporting the hypothesis of the status quo, or in fact, any statement at all. Now, was this because the University likely had no idea that we were writing the article? Doubtful. Was it because this story being broken to the student body population would devastated the reputation and future stability of the school? Most assuredly.

Think this is Sabrina? Think again.

Next fall, when moving back into your dorm, take a closer look at the Trinicats. The new, hapless strays and rescues may seem familiar; they might even come when you call their name. This is due to the hard work of the University. They scour the shelters and streets of San Antonio, looking for cats that look as similar as possible to the Trinicats of the prior year, so that no student notices. If you look closely enough, however, the difference is clear. A few stray hairs on one cat, a scratch on the ear of another; the new cats are never identical. Only then, my dear reader, will you become truly convinced of the depth of the Trinicat Conspiracy

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